Apologizing is one thing, forgiving is another. Last week we discussed how to reconcile with another. However, what do we do if someone has wronged us? Here are some tips from our tradition. Hopefully these tools will help you on your Elul journey:
“It is related that when Rabbi Zeira had a complaint against a person who insulted him, he would pace back and forth before him and present himself, so that the person could come and appease him. Rabbi Zeira made himself available so that it would be easy for the other person to apologize to him. Yoma 87a:15”
Principle 1: Don’t run from the person who has wronged you if you can
From the evening Shemah “Master of the Universe, behold, I now forgive all who have angered or provoked me, or sinned against me, whether to my body, my property, my honor, or to all that may belong to me, whether they were forced, it was intentional, unintentional or unaware, or with full awareness and intention, whether through speech or act whether in this incarnation or another incarnation--every person--and be they not be punished at all on account of me.
Principle 2: Recite the following from the evening shemah for smaller infractions:
(10) It is forbidden for man to be ill-natured and unforgiving, for he must be easily appeased but unwidely to wrath; and when a sinner implores him for pardon, he should grant him pardon wholeheartedly and soulfully. Even if one persecuted him and sinned against him exceedingly he should not be vengeful and grudge-bearing, Mishneh Torah, Repentance 2:10
Principle 3: If someone asks for forgiveness and they can change their behavior we should grant it
If his fellow doesn't want to forgive him, he brings a group of three of his friends and they approach him and request [forgiveness] from him; if he [the wronged party] is not appeased, he should bring a second and third [group]. If he [still] doesn't want [to forgive him], he may leave him, and the one who refuses to forgive is the sinner. But if [the wronged party] was his teacher, he should go and come to him for forgiveness even a thousand times until he does forgive him Mishneh Torah, Repentance 2:9
Principle 4: Remember you do not have to forgive if asked. But if you do choose not to forgive the person who asked for forgiveness, you are the one carrying the emotional baggage, not the person who wronged you.
Lastly a story from. Rabbi David Wople if you are able:A Hasidic parable tells of a king who quarreled with his son. In a fit of rage, the king exiled his son from the kingdom. Years passed. The son wandered alone in the world. In time, the king’s heart softened, so he sent his ministers to find his son and ask him to return. When they located the young man, he said that he could not return; he had been too hurt, and his heart still harbored bitterness. The ministers brought the sad news back to the king. He told them to return to his son with the message: “Return as far as you can, and I will come the rest of the way to meet you.”
