During the month of Elul and the high holidays there are three relationships we attempt to work on. The goal is not to fix ourselves and our souls but to improve them if possible. These three relationships that we seek to repair are Bein adam l chavero- between one person and another, Bein adam l’makom- between ourselves and God, and bein adam l’atzmo- Between a person and themselves.
This week I want to provide some guidance for how to repair those relationships between ourselves and others. In the Torah it reads:
“Do not deal basely with your countrymen. Do not profit by the blood of your fellow: I am the LORD. You shall not hate your kinsfolk in your heart. Reprove your kinsman but incur no guilt because of him. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against your countrymen. Love your fellow as yourself: I am the LORD” (Leviticua 19:11-14).
While we are told to love our neighbor and not bear a grudge, we are not told how to do this nor why.
Why we should seek to repair those relationships that we can (An important note: we are not commanded nor should we be expected to repair relationships that would cause ourselves more harm or the other more harm)? We should seek to repair those relationship that we can because as Rabbi Joshua in the Talmud said: an evil eye, the evil inclination, and hatred for humankind put a person out of the world (Pirkei Avot 2:11). Hate and anger can cause us to not be present in the world. We repair the relationships as much for the ourselves as we do for others.
How are we to forgive?
- Reconciliation should only happen when we are calm:
And Rabbi Yoḥanan said in the name of Rabbi Yosei: From where is it derived that one must not placate a person while he is in the throes of his anger, rather he should mollify him after he has calmed down? As it is written, when following the sin of the Golden Calf, Moses requested that the Divine Presence rest upon Israel as it had previously, God said to him: “My face will go, and I will give you rest” (Exodus 33:14). Rabbi Yoḥanan explained: The Holy One, Blessed be He… (Brachot 7a)
- Listen:
Shammai used to say: make your [study of the] Torah a fixed practice; speak little, but do much; and receive all men with a pleasant countenance.
Often as humans we tend to get defensive and thereby deny what the other is saying. Instead promise yourself that you will try to be open to what they say and not deny their words and feelings reactively.
- Speak your truth with humility:
In the story of Sodom and Gomorrah Abraham wishes to correct God the same way we may wish to correct someone who has wronged us. Abraham instead of speaking from emotion speaks from his intellect. The text reads, “Abraham spoke up, saying, “Here I venture to speak to my Lord, I who am but dust and ashes:” (Genesis 18:27). From this we can learn that for us to be heard by our fellow human being when we want to be critical we need to approach them humble, deferential and not let our emotions control the situation. We cannot guarantee the other person will hear us, but by speaking in this way we can guarantee that we will be able to walk away with our integrity intact.
- Think if words are enough or if an action must be performed:
With flesh and blood people, if one insults his friend with words, it is uncertain whether the victim will be appeased by him or will not be appeased by him. And if you say he will be appeased, it is still uncertain whether he will be appeased by words alone or will not be appeased by words alone… (Yoma 86b)
Use these four principles to help guide you in your conversations as you seek to repair or work on those relationships Bein Adam L Chavero- Between you and your fellow human being. Yom Kippur serves as the corrective for our relationship between ourselves and God, but only encounter and conversation can repair your relationship between you and other people.
